We had M's 4th birthday party last weekend, I'm tired. The party went well, everyone seemed to have a good time. My house is still a disaster, but that can be dealt with.
I know that I'm probably a little bit hormonal, I think that my milk supply is on it's last legs. I've been slowly going down in production, having to use a bag from my freezer stash every day. I think that once the freezer stash is gone, I'm done. I feel so conflicted about it, I keep trying to up my milk production, but at the same time I am so tired of it all. I finally gave up waking up at 2:30am to pump, and I feel rested again. I'm sure that this is a big part of why my supply is tanking, but I need sleep. I'm a better mom when I'm rested and feel like I'm in control of my life. I know that L will be fine on formula, I just feel like I've failed him somehow. I need to keep telling myself that I haven't failed him, I've already given him 9 months of breastmilk, that has to count for something. I think it would be different if he would have actually nursed. It's hard to be tied to the pump all the time. Ugh, I hate mom-guilt.
I think that I will just start eliminating a pumping during the day, and go from there. Currently I'm pumping twice at work, and it's a huge pain. I answer the phone here, so I either have to find an empty office to use so I can continue answering the phone, or I have to make sure that there's someone around to answer the phone for me. Maybe I'll start today. I wish it didn't feel so much like quitting. I've been contemplating this for a week or so, and everyday I feel a little bit better about it. At first I was almost panicky at the thought, not so much anymore. That must be a sign that I'm getting ready. Wish me luck!
2 comments:
You should feel great that you made it to 9 months. That is quite the accomplishment and more than a lot of women. Talk to E - tell him how you feel you are being spread thin and how you are going to try to change things. Good luck and *hugs*. Email me if you need to vent or need a cyberhug. :)
Thanks Neda! I do feel good about the fact I've made it this far. Just cutting out that one extra pumping has made a world of difference. Who knows, maybe I'll still make it to a year! E and I were able to talk it out, everything seems good now. I think he's finally getting it.
Post a Comment