Holy Crap!

It's been almost 2 weeks since I've been here. I thought I'd love writing about my life, but I've found that I still like to read blogs more than I like to write for one. Maybe now that I'm back to work full time I'll get better about writing. Yep, back to the old grind. The boy did quite well in his first day of daycare. I must admit that I practically ran out the door at 4 to go get him, only to get there and have him look at me like, "crap, I have to go home with you?" I keep telling myself that I want him to love daycare, that he knows I am his mom. I remember these exact same feelings with the girl, and I also remember that they will pass.

My husband asked me an odd question the other night. He wondered when he'd start to feel the same instense connection with the boy that he feels with the girl. Now, he didn't mean that he doesn't love the boy, he does, of course. Just that she's sort of his favorite. I hate to even use that word, but I don't know how else to describe it. It's funny, but right now, I feel the exact opposite. I'm sure that it has something to do with the division of labor in our house. I'm the primary caregiver for the boy, he's pretty much got the girl. It just happens to work out that way. We both try to give each kid equal attention, and I don't think that either are any worse for wear. It's just something to think about. I always thought that the girl would be my number one, and couldn't imagine feeling that way about any other child. Now, I've found that I totally do. My mom was right, I love both, equally, but differently.

I think that our NICU experience has a direct relationship with how I feel about the boy as well. My mom and I were talking, and both agreed that pretty much anything that he does right now it amazing and special. I think that we are just going back to those early days when, gee, he might DIE! so now when he shakes his head no at us it seems so spectacular. I'm hoping that we'll eventually get over this wonder and awe, and start acting normally. Poor kid will have his mother over his shoulder on his first date exclaiming how amazing it all is. Please, let someone reign me in before it gets that bad. I think I'll always be thinking about how close we did come to losing him, I just want to make sure that he doesn't get coddled because of it.

I've been following the stories of a couple of preemies lately, and it brings right back into all those emotions of the first few days. It's intense, let me tell you. There really is no explaining it, unless you've lived it. Julie wrote about Alexa today, and it really hit home. I read a bunch of the archives, and they gave me chills. You'll just never forget what that was like. I, too, wish that I could fast-forward past all of this scary stuff for her. I wish that I could tell her that everything was going to be fine, but we all know that's impossible. I just keep praying for this teeny tiny baby, and keep wishing for her health. On the other side of the coin, I have a family member of mine (distant, through marriage) who recently lost her preemie to pre-e, IUGR, and HELLP syndrome. It's so very sad, and even though I don't even know them, I feel this intense need to reach out, but I wouldn't even know what to say. I stare at the pictures of my daughter holding my son, and realize that there's nothing she would ever want to hear from me right now.

It's funny, but after being in the NICU, I find myself wanting to tell everyone all about it. I'm always ready for the chance to talk to someone who's been there, or still there. I've kept in touch with the boy's primary nurse, and when she visits, the NICU is pretty much all we talk about. I've even tossed around the idea of going back to school for nursing. It's weird. I just found the whole experience to be so eye-opening, and I just want to talk about it with anyone who will listen. So, instead of quitting my job, and becoming a NICU nurse, I read about other people's preemies, nodding along with all of it, remembering.